Find yourSELF in Crochet

Just before coming on holiday I heard of a book entitled Crochet Saved My Life by Kathryn Vercillo. I knew instantly that I had to read this book with such a bold statement for it's title. I also knew before even starting the book that there would be words throughout that resonated with me and my own journey into crochet. I'm only half way through the book, which tells the stories of women who have crocheted themselves through depression, anxiety and grief, but already it has me thinking about my own relationship with this craft and the effect it has had on me. There are some studies and theory and science behind why needlecraft can be helpful and I'm not going to go into them all here, you can read the book for that, but what I can share is my own story and how I feel whilst crocheting. In the meantime though here's a link to a great wee clip by BrainCraft that tells the science bit in a nutshell 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=po7krET5uQ4

I'd like to say that my path into crochet was joyful and relaxing and all that but it wasn't. I'd also like to say that I'd always wanted to learn or was taught by a great grandmother or something but I didn't. I don't know why but I bought a book on a style of crochet called amigurumi on impulse, tried it, found it pretty difficult, had a huff, made something remotely recognisable and then stuffed the lot into the back of a cupboard where it stayed for a while.....

So not an instant hit then! A few years later my mum and I seen an advert for a series of Learn to Crochet magazines and spoke about signing up, turned out that she had crocheted years before and wanted to revisit. So we went for it. This time it just clicked, it was baby steps and we would sit around her kitchen table comparing our technique, difference in stitch gauge and pretty much help each other translate what we thought the text meant, often disagreeing! And often with very differing results! (I'm not going to tell you who faired better than the other!) But it was starting to feel like quite a fun thing to do and we were both enjoying seeing that piece of thread turn into something so tactile and colourful.  Sadly, a few months on my mum died suddenly from a sudden heart attack and to say my heart was ripped out is an understatement, there was a huge gaping hole and crochet was not about to fill it.  I cancelled my mums subscription first but after a month or so I just didn't want to continue so I cancelled mine too and focused on my kids, my work and just pretty much existing day to day, creating a new normal. I did occasionally get the hook out and play a little but never completed much. 

It wasn't until last year that crochet really, really made it's impact when my husband suffered a sudden heart attack - thankfully, so very very thankfully he survived it and is well. But it came completely out of the blue and knocked us all sideways and completely uncovered all the pain from my mums death that I had worked so hard at plastering over.  My mum was also the person I would turn to when there was any trauma or drama in my life and she wasn't there, so her loss was even more amplified. I kept focusing on all the positives - he was ok, he was in the right place at the right time, we had excellent care, he'd had successful procedures, we had lots of offers of help - but to be honest when everyone went to bed I would feel like EVERYTHING was falling to pieces, my life felt like it was falling to pieces.  It was then, that I found myself crochet hook in hand. 

Of course to begin with I was unaware of the impact crochet was having on my well being. I wasn't a stranger to meditation but at that time, although I knew it would be helpful, I just didn't want to do it, in fact there were lots of things that I knew would be helpful but I just couldn't face any of them or even think about them. I wanted to hide away, shut down, I didn't really want to have to talk to anyone outside my immediate little huddle. And that's the thing with crochet, you can do it whilst in hiding! So that's how crochet snuck under the radar. I told myself I'd use the time to crochet some Christmas presents, it felt purposeful but without any of the pressure. But what it was really doing was providing me with a kind of mindfulness meditation, the feel of the soft yarn, the hook in my hand, the tactileness of crochet was very grounding. The focus on a pattern or counting of stitches allowed my thoughts to settle as my mind gently quietened and my heart slowly opened. I can feel the love going into every twist and turn of my hands, infusing whatever I'm working on with love.  I would sit in silence and give myself permission to rest without even realising it. In fact I still do often sit in silence. I've never gotten into multi tasking much with a crochet hook in hand! 

I can't boldly say that crochet saved my life but I can absolutely say that crochet has impacted my life for the better in ways I would never have dreamed possible. And all the science aside I know what I felt, I couldn't change what had happened, my mum had died and my husband was unwell, crochet couldn't change that but it could give me some distraction which in turn gave my physical body and emotions a much needed rest so they were better able to process what was needed to process. It calms me like nothing else, it's not always instant but I am now fully aware of the moment (it's now usually as little as 5 minutes after hook in hand) that everything in the world feels like it will be ok, like the moment you look up into the night sky and see the massiveness of the star studded galaxy or stand in front of the ocean and sense the space that opens up in front of you, crochet does that for me. It's another tool in my box and I'm not afraid to use it! 

So I guess what I'm trying to share here is that if you're going through anything painful maybe crochet could be your thing to do when all else feels like it's falling apart. Maybe everything is good with you, learn anyway, pass it on, keep a few hooks and yarn pushed at the back of that cupboard - you just never know when crochet will call you into action. 

Of course I'm totally biased but it could be knitting or sewing or doodling or colouring in or tapestry or cross stitch - you get the picture........ 

As it approaches the anniversary of my mums death and that awful day I received the phone call from the hospital about my husband, I know everything is going to be ok, and for times when it's not, I have crochet. It grounds me, it calms me and it also connects me to my wonderful mum. 

I remember thinking once 'wow I really lose myself in crochet' when there was a wee voice inside piped up, 'no actually, you really find yourself in crochet' 

Now, I'm off to finish reading the book that prompted this post......

Charlene x

You can find out more about Kathryn and projects she's involved in at www.crochetsavedmylife.com